The Fine Line between Business and Boredom
As many of you hopefully know, I host a syndicated Saturday morning radio show. Everyone invovolved is always happy, but not at the same time. It’s an intersting mix of the entertaining listeners, creating enough business for sponsors, educating consumers, and most importantly to me NOT BEING A BORE.
The auto topic is a tricky space. There are many Weekend auto shows around this great land of ours, but most are literally coyote ugly. Weekend radio programming makes way for the home improvement hour, the 500 mortage brokers that take the airways to convience you that TODAY is the best day to refinance your home, the Gardening expert, the good looking computer lady, the real estate salesman, and albeit those damned car dealers. I fall into the last category.
I’ve been doing my show for over 3 years now, and have witnessed it’s popularity peak and valley with format tweaks. When I get on the air, I try to produce a program that would appeal to…me. Not that I’m entertaining myself, but moreso becuase I’m a picky-narrow minded-ADHD Channell surfing SOB. I love talk radio, but can’t stand it in the same breath. I do a car show, the show is about cars, last week I went into break with a dumb monolouge “my name is John Clay Wolfe and I buy used cars on the radio.” That’s it, that’s what I’m doing there, but that’s not going to keep a listener tuned in for 45 min, bc that show fundamental is..well let’s admit it…it’s boring. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather read the comic or sports section than the automotive classifeds to pass my time.
Click and Clack are NPR’s national car talkers, full of humor and on air antics, they are oh so funny, absolute genius’s so I’ve been told. I studied thier show vigorously to pick up on what made them so special. I lasted for 6 maybe 7 minutes until the ADD kicked in and I found Nirvana somewhere on the dial, then took a phone call. This scouting trip took place 2.5-3 years ago. So then I listened to the grandaddy of all car talkers, Edward Wallace Esq. (Never met the man in my life) I enjoyed his rock and roll minute, and must admit that my total listening time on Wheels has been at least 45 minutes cume, but like the great Austin Powers once said “That just aint my bag baby”.
Then there is a friend (met him once, but several emails) Jerry Reynolds ‘the car guy’. The longest I’ve listened to Jerry was in 07 when I interviewed him on my old ‘nooner’ show on ESPN in Amarillo/Wichita Falls. I enjoyed the interview, enjoyed listening to Jerry’s stories of his career path, but I don’t can’t listen to his show for any length at all. In all of these great broadcasters defense, I can’t listen to my own show. I’ll download one of my podcasts, and give it a whirl. After about 5 minutes, I feel like I am standing naked in front of a mirror, in a shopping mall, on a busy day. Something really creeps me out, and I cannot listen to myself anymore. It’s really weird, I don’t get it. I think I love doing talk radio, but I’m not a fan of it in real life?
Stern on Sirus, he is a great interviewer, but if I wanted to hear porn..I’d put it on the Playboy Channell. Rush on the EIB, very rarely, let’s tune into Kid Kraddick to see why he’s number #1 (on a better note, let’s change the channell bc this sucks). Lex and Terry=5 min tops. The guys that I can stay tuned in and enjoy their show is : Colin Cowherd, Savage, Dennis Miller, and Arnie Spanier on sports. The morning guys on the ticket are funny, but not all of them…Gordon Keith jumps out in in my mind as more of a leader in that world than he is acredited for.
How many times can a guy listen to the greatest hits of Elton John, Eagles, Heart, Zep, Stevie Wonder, Ronny Milsap, Emeniem, Jackson 5, Supremes, and Chicago before he is labeled ‘close minded’. It drives my poor wife batty, and for her I have caved in to airing current top 40 songs our car stereo when she is in the car. I just don’t understand why I would prefer to listen to Casey Kasem’s replay of AT 40 from 72-78 on satellite radio, than to admit that Justin Timberlake is not a poser. He’ll I wasn’t even born until 72, why do I want to protect the music from that era with such passion like I’m going to be the guy that makes a difference? Olivia Newton John is not that hot, she’s just not, and she’s old enough to be my grandma. My wife says that people like to reflect on the music that represents a time frame where they felt ‘on top’. But the timefram of the music I keep reflecting on, I was in diapers, far from being ‘on top’. Nonetheless, if you suffer from similar dillusions and shame, you’re not alone.
Back to weekend talk radio, we almost forgot the Dear Lord Baby Jesus himself….The radio Preachers. OMG, where in the Hell is the Reality show. Why is there not a primtime reality show going backstage with the evangelists. Where is the Behind the Music for Billy Graham and Tammy Fae? These guys make ALL the money, and for the name of Obama himself, they pay no taxes! Why have non of them written a book, “Religion for Dumasses: How to become a multi millionair uneducated tax avoider in God’s name” Can I get an Amen. I think I just answered my own concern here. This is the show that would hold my attention span throughout the duration. Espically if they would lace the music beds on the Son’s of Jesus reality show with a little ONJ, Niel diamond (brother john’s traveling salvation show will be the theme song), and Little Stevie Wonder. The grand-wizard-dragon finale could be a scene where Robert Tilton cures Stevie Wonders blindness, but lil Stevie suddly falls into remission when his check to brother Tilton bounced. God bless and Good night. JCFW
PS: Q: Is Elton really gay? A: Closely Examine his alblum cover from 1974 and you tell me.